Recovery

Recovery is an interesting process. In some cases, it is a long, gradual one, while in others, there is a single moment in which the recoverer suddenly feels okay. We almost always expect the former, but the latter happens quite a bit as well.

I consider the post-divorce healing process to be a form of recovery. One has to go through a detox period during which one washes out all those toxic habits and emotions that come with the divorce itself and relearn how to be whole again. Many people have tried to create rules regarding how long recovery should take a person whose relationship has ended. I've heard things as simple as "recovery takes about one month for each year you were together" or as complex as, well, that with a whole lot of stipulations thrown in. Really, I think that the length of time is dictated by the circumstances, the nature of the relationship and how it deteriorated, and the constitution of the recoverer.

In my case, it started out very gradually. I was crestfallen and heartbroken. I was utterly miserable. I had planned on spending the rest of my life with one person, and that person had rejected that. Over time, I went through a number of emotions: sorrow, anger, frustration, longing, regret, etc. If you can think of a name for a negative emotion, I probably experienced it. Well, maybe not the "murderous" variety, but most others.

It seemed to be taking forever. As the New Year hit, I was still in the throes of negativity, albeit with some glimmer of hope on the horizon.

In the past couple of months, though, possibly fueled by the fact that my ex-wife and I have gotten along much better recently and are learning to be friends, I have been able to think of myself as having recovered from the relationship itself. It has happened relatively rapidly, and I can honestly say that I am over it. I feel a distance now when I look back on the good times she and I had together. I accept them as good times that were worth having without feeling that longing sorrow to have them back that I was feeling some months ago. I feel much better. I feel single again.

This is why, as I posted the other day, I am anxious to get on with my life now. I am really itching to get out of my parents' extra room and back into the city. I'd like to get an apartment of my own and start carving out a new life. My boys will always be foremost in my mind, of course, so there will never be a clean break from the past, nor do I want there to be. A person needs his past if he is to be whole moving into the future. However, I need to establish new patterns and routines and be me again. Date again (not that I really dated much before), have a place of my own, learn to be myself once more.

I am going to view this as a second chance at life for me. I would like to actually find the right person this time around. I would like to do the things I think are right for me.

While the paperwork may not have been completely worked out yet and the divorce is not yet official, my marriage ended nearly a year ago. As far as I am concerned, I am single now. I know without doubt that I will not go back to her, and I am okay with that (and I think she is too). I am ready to move on.